Me and Megan and the Perfect Middle-Aged Jeans

I’m at Nordy’s looking at the sale rack when these very interesting jeans catch my eye. They have no zipper, a huge waistband and the tags are claiming them to be the best thing since sliced bread. In other words, they look good on “everyone.”

Since Nordstrom has the best salespeople in the world (no snark intended. Even if you shop there once a quarter they know your name, the styles you like and even your sizes. Yes, you read that right. Anyone over the age of 40 has a range. The good Nordy salesperson can eyeball you and figure out what size you are at that very moment) I am approached with much enthusiasm.

“So,” I say to the perky and accommodating gal. “Are these like middle-aged fat lady jeans or what?” (I think this is the point that Rosie started to back away slowly and act like she was interested in the shirt rack across the room).

“Oh no,” she said. “They’re designed to wear with long shirts and the waistband ensures that there’s no zipper bulge.”

Damn, I thought. She’s good. I didn’t even throw her off with the flippant over 40 rotund lady comment.

” And, they are slimming. They make everyone look fabulous!” she gushed.

Sold! I scooped up the ones in my size off the sale rack and moved over to the higher priced ones that had just come in. I had my hand on the perfect pair of size 6’s when and older lady pushed her way towards the rack, started flipping through the jeans and then tore the  6’s from my hand. I stood there dumbfounded as she ran towards the fitting room.

“Rosie,” I screamed. “Did you see that? These jeans must be AMAZING! That crazy lady just stole them right out of my hand.”

“Don’t worry,” said the perfect Nordy clerk. “We’ll get them back. They’re not her size.” And then she winked.

Five minutes later, the older lady emerged and placed all the ill-fitting jeans (it was the pants, not her) at the check-out. Once the clerk gave me the high sign, I swooped in and picked them up.

The first pair of cords, fit like a dream. And, they had just enough spandex to stretch and just enough coverage to make a 40-something gal feel like she could wear leggings again. Even Rosie agreed they were fabulous.

Same thing with the fought-over jeans. They were out of this world. Hid all the bad things and accentuated the good. Fantastic. Until I went to take them off. While they went on easy (and looked marvelous I must add), they were now stuck on my body.

I tried to take them off the normal way. Then I tugged. A lot. Finally, after a couple of very sweaty moments when I had visions of wearing the jeans for the next twenty years or so until they wore out, I had to ask the Rosebud to put down her phone and help extract me from the jeans.

We laughed so hard our sides hurt. My body was contorted into about ten different shapes in an attempt to rid myself of the jeans. Rosie was tugging a leg as I was attempting to frantically pull them down. Then suddenly (almost like the seal breaking on a hard to open jar of pickles), the jeans fell to my ankles. And, we fell on the floor in laughter.

We emerged from the fitting room laughing and approached the Nordy clerk with big smiles on our faces.

“So,” she said. “What did you think?”

“Well, I like the black ones, but these (I pointed at the offending jeans), I got them on just fine but couldn’t get them off. Didn’t you hear us laughing? There’s no way that other lady got her calves in these.”

She gave me an all-knowing look but acted innocent. Then began to ring me up with a smile on her face. We chit-chatted some more and she thanked us for coming in.

“Megan, It was great to see you!” she said to Rosie.

“Megan? Who’s that?” Rosie said. “She usually knows my name.”

A half hour later we figured it out. Rosie had “Team Megan”on the back of her shirt. We drove home still cackling about me getting stuck in the jeans and her being Megan. Oh Norstrom. I’ll be back.

 

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About debcb

All Deb wanted to do was work, until she had Rosie. For the past decade, she's juggled a full-time career, high-profile volunteer work and mommyhood.

Comments

  1. LOVED IT!!

  2. I am amazed at your life filled with events that are prime fodder for blog posts! And teaching moments. I’d say you two made a great memory.

  3. I am consistently amazed that I still have good things to write about. Thought I’d run out by now.

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