Hey Justin Bieber! I got a plan to get you some grown-up fans!

Why yes, that's obsessed fan puff paint on that sweatshirt. It's also your favorite color.

Hey Justin,

I owe you an apology. A few months ago, in a moment of frustration I blogged about you and to tell the truth, it wasn’t favorable. I couldn’t decide which I hated more: shopping at the store Justice, or you (the hair flipping, cute teen sensation that crooned Baby, Baby, Baby over and over and over)? Both were so freaking annoying (and often happened at the same time) so it was a toss up.

But, after being dragged kicking and screaming to your movie by my tween, I’ve decided you’re not half bad. Actually, I think you’re quite talented (although I won’t admit that to anyone over the age of 20). And, you know what? You really can sing, play hoops and yes, you are cute.

So, I’m here to say I’m sorry I found you annoying. And, I hope that you’ll forgive me (you seem to have a big heart; especially since there’s one less lonely girl in every town). But I need you to do me one small favor.

I’d like you to become an even bigger star! HUGE! And, the way to do it is to elevate your audience. Find a more mature one and leave those little girls alone.

Before the movie, we had a normal life. My ten year-old sang your songs. She thought you were cute and sometimes she’d giggle when she saw your picture. But, she hadn’t really jumped on the Bieber bandwagon.

Since the movie, she’s downloaded all your songs and sings them non-stop. She’s puff-painted sweatshirts. She’s even created a Justin Bieber scrapbook that we’ve all had to view over and over (although all the girls at dance think it’s cool). She’s obsessed and it’s getting out of hand.

Just last week, she asked me to help her clean her closet. I was thrilled until I discovered her true motivation. She wanted to create a Justin Bieber shrine with posters all over the walls and a display with candles and feathers and… BLECH!

I’ve decided that I can’t take it anymore. You won me over with your darn movie and while the little girls LOVE your squeaky clean image, there’s an entire untapped market of older, more loyal fans just waiting to find you. So, I’m going to give you a few tips on how to get even more famous (before you wreak anymore havoc on my family and probably thousands of others).

First, dump Selena Gomez or better yet, get caught cheating on her (and not with someone like Taylor Swift, pick some hot skank so it’s worth your while). Second, publically fight with your parents. You may even want to move into your own bachelor pad and move them back up to Canada where they belong. Third, you can always sing about losing your religion (it’s worked in the past so, why not?) or pose nude (google this one, it’s guaranteed star power).

If all that doesn’t work, you can always resort to what I like to call “grown-up childhood star behavior”. Popular activities include public drunkenness, fights with other cracked-out stars and smoking Salvia (be sure to make sure it’s legal in your state). If none of that works, you can find some porn stars, set up a one man show and talk about “winning” a lot. All of these tactics have worked incredibly well to propel the careers of many to BIG stardom.

So, what do you think? I’ve given you some great tips. Are you ready for the big time? Leave those little girls alone and find some big girl fans? Can’t wait to see what happens.

Your biggest Fan

P.S. One last handy tip, shoplifting is really cool. So steal some sneakers or tuck a signed basketball in your shirt. Chicks dig it, I swear.


Yeah, My Body’s Hot

Lots of little needles, but boy do they help!

“When’s the last time you wrote?” my chiropractor asks as she pokes acupuncture needles in me.

“Hmm, it’s been a while,” I say and I think back to the last time I sat at the computer and poured out my soul.

“Well, you need to. You’re body’s hot,” she says and we move on to another topic.

I haven’t been called hot since my twenties so I ponder taking her statement as a compliment for a minute. But, that’s not what she meant. Something’s going on with my body and it needs to be fixed. Isn’t that why I’m there in the first place?

It started with a sore lower back, then a pain in my neck. A couple of weeks ago, I thought I blew out my calf on the tennis court and it keeps haunting me. I’m also kind of crabby, I’ve had headaches and I’m just not quite right.

Could all of this be from not writing? Have all my thoughts manifested themselves into aches and pains in my body? I was beginning to wonder.

I haven’t written in six weeks. That’s the longest I’ve gone in over three years. Without The Star deadline looming over me every week (which I once thought was a curse), I’ve allowed myself to place everything else in life ahead of the cathartic act of storytelling.

Since I no longer HAVE to write, I’ve let myself think that it’s no longer important. Work, spending time with my family and everything else have become more of a priority. What I’ve failed to see is that I don’t need a deadline (or an affiliation with a newspaper) to write.

And, I think that’s what my body’s trying to tell me.

All of the pent up stories, thoughts and emotions have manifested themselves into small ailments, that combined are causing my body to break down. I’ve been carrying work in my shoulders. Frustration has manifested itself in my lower back. And, my calf (my chiropractor and I looked that up in a book) is the fear of change.

So, I’m back. And, I plan to write more frequently then I did when I posted on the mommy blog. I have more things to say.

I’m hoping this will help to put my middle-aged body back together. No more acupuncture discussions about the temperature of my body. However, for the record, even though I don’t hear it, I still think I’m hot.

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